Friday Funnies - Assessing your Kindergarten Readiness

Last night I attended a Kindergarten information session. Or maybe it was a Neurotic Parents of First Child Going to Kindergarten Un-Anonymous meeting. Same Difference.

All the talk these days is about whether our children are equipped and ready to start school, but if you ask me, we are totally missing the point. The question is really about whether I AM READY. And the answer is NO I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT! (Sorry for the yelling, but I just can't sugar coat this, people).

If you are still grappling with the question of whether you could possibly send your baby off to Kindergarten come September, I've devised a few signs to help you determine your readiness. If you see yourself in more than two of these statements, you need to think long and hard before putting your child on a bus this fall.

1) When the prospective K-5 teacher refers to the kids in her class as "my children", you can barely restrain yourself from tossing one of those mini purple chairs across the room at her, Jerry Springer style. But you are better than that, so you maturely handle the situation by waiting until you get home to file a restraining order against that baby snatcher disguised as Ms. Literacy Goodytwoshoes.

2) You think that having another baby would solve everything. Because then maybe you could blame your neurosis about losing your firstborn to Kindergarten on the raging hormones and sleep deprivation brought on by your newest addition.

3) This would also help in resisting the urge to kiss random babies' foreheads in the grocery store. If you had a real baby of your own, and not just a four year old that you are convinced is still an infant, then you wouldn't have to traumatize the poor first time mother carting a real five-week old, sweet-smelling baby through the canned goods aisle. And yes, this is the same mother, who thanks to your uninvited forehead smooching, will be forced to resort to the same tactics you pulled on the Kindergarten teacher (hopefully minus the chair and/or canned creamed corn throwing).

4) You get nostalgic when you see a box of Swaddlers. Let's face it--pining over the diaper stage is a sign of some serious regression on your part. It's wrong on so many levels.

5) You are convinced that the lady driving that big yellow vehicle up and down the street EVERY weekday at the SAME time is up to no good. You are appalled that the police won't take you seriously when you voice your suspicions about the stalking school bus.

6) You are reduced to a blubbering mess whenever you catch even a glimpse of a Lightning McQueen lunchbox. And Lord have mercy if you somehow wind up in the JC Penney Back-to-School section. Emergency medical assistance will probably be required at that point.

It's become painfully obvious to me that Time is at the wheel, in spite of a serious speeding problem and multiple citations, and no matter what this frightened, back-seat driver mama says, it won't slow down. Not for me, not for anybody.

Case in point, my mom swears it was only yesterday that she took this picture of me and my sister in our favorite hiding spot.

I guess I've finally joined Mom in the delusional and fruitless battle against Time, because if that happened just yesterday, then how do you explain how this picture was ALSO taken yesterday?

So tell me people, are you ready for Kindergarten? Are there more readiness assessment signs that I forgot? Any ideas on how to keep the little people little just a little longer?