Deep Thoughts

by Dani & Jack Handey
(Can you guess which ones are original and which ones are borrowed from Jack Handey? If you can, you are a good guesser.)

1) Sometimes I dump sand over my face, and then I wonder, what are those tiny granules I feel in my mouth? Are they little nuggets of goodness? Or did I just eat sand again? Bleck, I just ate sand again. This stuff’s even worse than paper, and I’ve tasted my fair share of paper, so I would definitely know.

2) Whenever I need to “get away”, I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They’re terrible!

3) If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

4) If hats could talk, my hat would probably say, “Hey, that’s enough sand. And also you shouldn’t take me for granted, because someday I will fly away, and then you’ll really wish I was still on your head. And I probably will wish I was still on your head too, because I will be up to my rim in saltwater and totally out of my element.”

5) Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

6) Here’s a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don’t taste like it.