MYLESTONES: At Least a Dozen Reasons I'll Never Get the Newbery Medal

I don't know why, but often when I mention my enjoyment of writing, people assume I aspire to write children's books. I'm quite certain, however, that all encouragement toward this youthful genre would be rescinded if they saw this list.

So here goes, a partial listing of my children's books that remain unpublished--for one very good reason or another:

Curious George Gets a Spanking
The Little Engine that Could if He Just Got off His Rear & Tried For Once
Obnoxious McMansion on the Prairie
How Do Dinosaurs Go Extinct? (The sequel of course, to How Do Dinosaurs Get Well Soon)
The Cat in the Vat
Green Eggs and Spam
Goodnight SOON (The please let it be bedtime soon book for new parents)
Bread and Spam for Frances
Guess How Much I love You. Nope! Guess Again!
A Stew for Mr. McGregor: Peter Rabbit Learns the Hard Way
Dora Gets Lost (Adios Amiga!)
The Big (Gas Guzzlin', Rootin' Tootin' Polutin') Truck Book

*Dear Spam, if it appears I'm picking on you in this list, I apologize. It's not me. It's you. You make green eggs look delicious by comparison. Seriously, how is it you continue to be stocked in stores even to this day? I mean, really, WHO BUYS YOU?

**Dear Reader, that was weird. Did I just apologize to Spam like it was a person and then proceed to pummel it with cruel insults? I did? Sorry about that. This is just further support for why they should keep me from writing anything intended to be read to children.

So what's your favorite children's book? Or your least favorite if you're feeling contrary? And double bonus round points to those of you who can make me laugh with an addition to the list above!